What I Learned From My Own Fertility Struggle

It’s Not Your Fault

I think it’s important to see that no one is exempt and it’s not your fault. You aren’t being punished for that abortion you had in college. Or for choosing you first and waiting a little longer to get pregnant. You can let go of any guilt you are holding on to. I know I had to.

My Story

I created moon catching a few years ago. After getting my masters in Integrative Nutrition, I knew I wanted to work with women’s health. I had just had my daughter and I was in the crazed blissful haze of being a new mom and all the drama that these beautiful monsters bring into our lives.

But at the same time, quite a few of my close friends and family were struggling. This beautiful gift that I had been blessed with was being denied to so many.

So, I decided I wanted to focus on what makes it harder for some women than others. Not ever overweight women has issues. Not every woman in her late 30’s has issues. Not every women with PCOS or fibroids or endo struggles for years to get pregnant. Are some women just lucky, or special? Doubtful.

One thing about nutrition school or even being a bio major in undergrad is that you do not walk away with anything less that a facinaction, wonder, and awe of the human body. Everything I had learned taught me that the body is a wonderful creation capable of nearly miraculous things. So, I knew fertility couldn’t be any different. And when I realized there was a whole segment of practitioners using holistic methods to boost and support women and their fertility I knew I had found my calling and I began to work with clients to support them.

Fast forward one year, I had a miscarriage…

No one can be prepared for something like that. It completely rocks you to your core. And I had to deal with so many emotions of pain and grief and fear. But I also dealt with shame. How could I, the “fertility coach”, “the expert,” have a miscarriage?? This totally common thing happened to me and I felt like I should have been above it all. Like how could I let this happen?

I felt like a fraud. And I didn’t want anyone to find out.

How would I tell women I could support them when I hadn’t been able to save myself? How was anybody supposed to trust me or anything that I said when I was just like them?

The shift

But then a shift came and a realization came.

I was human. Nothing more. Nothing less.

I didn’t automatically have a get out of jail free card because this was my field. Doctors need doctors, lawyers need lawyers, and therapists need therapist. It doesn’t invalidate their knowledge or capabilities.

At some point I realized I had to share my story. It took me a minute, but I realized that I had nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about. No one was expecting me to be “above it all”, yet I knew I was definitely different. Because I had a voice. I had a platform to share my hurt and struggle and to help make even one mama feel less alone, scared, or ashamed.

When I finally did share about my loss, I received so much encouragement and I was covered in so much love and read so many “me too” comments. I was able to turn my pain around and let it fuel my passion. And I now share my story as often as I can. This thing that we never talk about is happening everyday to so many women we care about. So why are we silent? Why do we hid? Why do we suffer alone when this probably the hardest thing you will ever do in you life?

The rainbow after the storm

So I share my journey as often as I can. I share about my second miscarriage and the deep devestation that brought. But I also share my determination to find the WHY. Why had my fertility changed so much since my first birth and how could I get back what was loss.

And I continue to share. Especially now at 21 weeks into my rainbow pregnancy. Because I still have that voice. I still have that platform to help make even one mama feel like she still has a shot and that she too can have a rainbow baby, and her quest for natural pregnancy doesn’t have to be over because some fertility clinic told her to try donor eggs.

I share because I’ve been there when I couldn’t even look at my own old pregnancy pictures let alone someone else’s as I scrolled through my IG feed or saw the lady in front of me in check out.

But another shift happened. Those feelings of grief and envy that would arise finally began to dissipate and I saw hope when I saw a pregnant belly. I was reminded of what I was fighting for. One day I realized I don’t know her story. I don’t know how many years she may have cried and prayed for that baby or how many babies she lost along the way. So what was I envious of? If she too had struggled then she was my hero, my champion. I wished her nothing but a healthy baby and safe delivery.

So I hope knowing my pain and my grief lets me and Blue (nickname for this lil person) become the most blinding beacon of light for anyone watching who is ready to give up, who is exhausted and beginning to wonder if natural pregnancy is still an option.

It was for me, 2 years and 2 angels babies later, but it was for me.

And it can be for you too.